Faith

You know what my biggest fear is? Failure. Just writing the word makes me want to jump up an accomplish something right now. I hate feeling that no matter how hard I try to do something and be the best I can, there's always that chance that I'm not good enough. That fear is why I kill myself to make things perfect, and beat up on myself when they're not. The people closest to me always accuse me of not being content when life is going good, but thats just how I am. I can't relax. Once you let your guard down and think that everything is perfect, you increase your chances of something going wrong and you're not prepared to deal with it when it happens. So if I never let my guard down, there won't be any surprises.

Today, the "F" word is front and center in my mind. I feel like no matter what I've accomplished in my life, its just waiting around the corner to smack me in the face. I try to replace it with a more pleasant "F" word, Faith, but everyday it gets harder. It gets harder when I see others who never had to work hard a day in their life get what I've been busting my butt to get. It gets harder when every time things are moving in the right direction, I hit a road block and now have to come up with a way to get around it.

My friend's mom said maybe if I had God in my life I'd have a job by now. I guess praying and reading the Bible everyday is not enough. Just because I don't wear my faith like a big crown for the world to see doesn't mean that I don't have God in my life. I went to church a month ago and the Pastor said "the power of the tongue is mighty. If you say it, it will happen." So everyday for a month, I've been saying "I'm gonna get a job today." Guess I need to do some tongue exercises.