Faith

You know what my biggest fear is? Failure. Just writing the word makes me want to jump up an accomplish something right now. I hate feeling that no matter how hard I try to do something and be the best I can, there's always that chance that I'm not good enough. That fear is why I kill myself to make things perfect, and beat up on myself when they're not. The people closest to me always accuse me of not being content when life is going good, but thats just how I am. I can't relax. Once you let your guard down and think that everything is perfect, you increase your chances of something going wrong and you're not prepared to deal with it when it happens. So if I never let my guard down, there won't be any surprises.

Today, the "F" word is front and center in my mind. I feel like no matter what I've accomplished in my life, its just waiting around the corner to smack me in the face. I try to replace it with a more pleasant "F" word, Faith, but everyday it gets harder. It gets harder when I see others who never had to work hard a day in their life get what I've been busting my butt to get. It gets harder when every time things are moving in the right direction, I hit a road block and now have to come up with a way to get around it.

My friend's mom said maybe if I had God in my life I'd have a job by now. I guess praying and reading the Bible everyday is not enough. Just because I don't wear my faith like a big crown for the world to see doesn't mean that I don't have God in my life. I went to church a month ago and the Pastor said "the power of the tongue is mighty. If you say it, it will happen." So everyday for a month, I've been saying "I'm gonna get a job today." Guess I need to do some tongue exercises.

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

I was reading tonight and I came across a quote by Elizabeth Taylor that immediately sparked some serious thinking. The quote was in reference to one of her many marriages. It states "I love not being Elizabeth Taylor, but being Richard's wife. I would be quite content to be his shadow and live through him." In this day and age of the I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T (thanks for that hooked on phonics moment Webbie) woman, could we possibly be content living though a man? Could a man even handle a women who was willing to become so completely absorbed in him that she loses her identity?

My first thought was HELL NAW! No man is worth forgetting who I am. Liz definitely took this behind every great man there's a great women concept to a whole other level. But then I decided to be open minded. Maybe she meant not to forget who she was but to simply fall back behind her man and use her strengths to make him stronger. Now that, I might be willing to do if he is man enough to step up when I fall back.

Now if my man steps back with me and ask "baby where you goin," then I definitely know that he can't handle being the forerunner and leads me to another puzzle: can a man be content living in the shadow of a woman?

The oscar for best supporting male goes to...

Today, blogworld, I want to introduce you to the leading men in the movie that is my life. These are the men that inspire me to be my greatest and never judge me when I'm not. Of course they have their faults, what man doesn't, but in my time of knowing them, they have grown and learned from their past mistakes.

First, there is my baby brother. Of course he is far from a baby, he's 21 actually, but to me he will always be my baby brother. Michael is my pride and joy. He is a junior at one of the top schools in the country. As a philosophy major you can only guess how complex his thoughts are. He is a person that can find the beauty in everything which in turn makes him beautiful. His passion for anything that he sets his sights on is equal to the eagerness that he shows when inviting others into his world. Without him my knowledge of the tragedies that occur in the world would be limited and drastically uninformed. To him I give credit for my willingness to keep an open mind and an open heart.

While I am a daddy's girl at heart, I will never hesitate to say that I would never marry a man like my father. For every loving trait he shows to his children, he countered with hateful actions towards his wife, my mother. My life growing up around him was like skating on a frozen lake carefully because you're not sure where it would crack. To this day I still can't understand how a man who would give the world to me couldn't understand how he played a big role in giving me a negative view I have on the relationship between a man and a woman. To him I give credit for knowing that a parent's love should be limitless, but I also give him credit for the disasters that are my past relationships.

My best friend is also my worst enemy at times. He is the only person that I can argue with one minute and then be laughing with in the next. He told me the other day that he wishes we never entered into a relationship, one of the disasters I spoke of earlier, but I feel that if we never tried to explore something deeper, we wouldn't be as close as we are today. No matter how bad I treated him, he never treated me with the amount of disrespect that I dished out his way. Though I think that we are better as friends, I will never love anyone as much as I love him. To him I give credit for me finding out that I'm not perfect so I might as well accept myself as I am.

Late night phone calls...

Have u ever met someone whose voice alone makes every inch of your body yearn for them? Three words from that person stimulates you more than a whole lifetime of conversations with another. The thought of being alone with that person scares you because you know that you might lose your mind and do something that is completely out of character for you. The idea of connecting with this person on an emotional, physical, or any other level is enough to make you look forward to just another day of knowing them.

Just a random thought...

Under Experienced, Over-Qualified...

Hey Blogworld!

I know I've been MIA for a minute, but I have been busy dealing with life. So today I heard back from a prospective employer who didn't give me the job because they said I'm over-qualified. What the hell! If I had known that over qualification was gonna hold me back I would of dropped out of grammar school! Forget getting two degrees!

People are always telling me that it's not what you know but who you know. I never wanted to believe that. One of my undergrad professors told us that the classmate sitting behind us could very well be our boss one day. Its funny because I thought I saw that same girl who was sitting behind me at the unemployment office last month.


Life is causing me to come undone...